Donner, party of two

Last week my mom and I took a mini-vacation to Shenandoah National Park to enjoy the fall colors and spend some time hiking. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I thought I would share a few nuggets of knowledge with anyone planning a fall adventure into the woods.

Photo by Kelsey Kusterer.

1. Prep for your possible demise: One thing we found out quickly was that black bears do exist! We quizzed the park ranger at the front gate on the likelihood we might meet a bear during our excursion and found out about this cute greeting bears sometimes do. When a mother bear feels her cubs are threatened, she often says a friendly hello to unsuspecting hikers with something called a “bluff charge.” Momma bear will run within 10 feet of said hiker. So, if you don’t die of a myocardial infarction, park officials suggest lifting your pack over your head and trying to look big. Yelling at the bear is also encouraged. My mom and I practiced our own variation which involved lifting our walking sticks to our chests and yelling “Yo Bear!” Luckily, the only bear we saw was from the car.

2. Choose reading materials wisely: So I packed a few books I thought would be helpful. One was titled something like The Ultimate Hiking Guide for Ballsey Babes which was actually helpful as it suggested what to eat and how to breath correctly (yeah breathing right actually makes a difference) while you’re hiking. A book I brought that was excellent, but I wouldn’t recommend reading while in the woods is The Last Season by Eric Blehm. It’s about a backcountry ranger that goes missing in the Sierra Nevada. Though quite informative, I must admit it freaked me out a bit to be reading it while in a national park.

3. BYOT: Bring Your Own Technology! This tip is motivated by the following conversation:

Mom: You’re bringing your cell, right? So I don’t need to bring mine?

Me: What if I get mauled by a bear? How are you going to call someone for help?

Mom: Good point. I’ll pack mine.

4. Frequent the rest stops: We found out that the rest stop at the Virginia border not only has free maps, brochures on wineries and automated hand soap dispensers, but they also have free peanuts! I suppose free peanuts are lame on airplanes, but it’s nice to get a freebie when all you were hoping for was a clean toilet.

5. Talk to the locals: So while I was busy swearing at the GPS unit while looking for a barbeque restaurant that apparently doesn’t exist, my mom had the bright idea to ask a local where’s the best place to get lunch in Charlottesville. He directed us to a local place where they make giant $2.85 burgers with the works. It made for a great lunch coming out of the park and if you’re one of those “I only eat local” hipsters, I recommend talking to the natives when you’re at a loss for food or directions.

So go have some fun in the outdoors this fall and I hope for your sake you don’t meet any mama bears.

Ducking the Starbucks Gauntlet

In an ideal world, my Sunday afternoon would have proceeded something like this:

Mother: Does anyone care to embark on a short excursion to Starbucks to sample the  free instant coffee?

Kelsey: Lovely idea, Mother!

Father: Yes, quite! Shall I start the car?

Mother: Good show! I’ll go fetch your riding gloves and then we shall be off!

The threesome selects one out of 12 Starbucks locations within a 10 mile radius of their home and heads off for their adventure. After a short drive in their Ford Deluxe two-door Coupe along scenic tree-lined country roads, the Kusterer family arrives at Starbucks and is warmly greeted by four daper-looking baristas in crisp, green aprons. The Kusterer’s sit outside and sip pipping hot (and free!) coffee beneath the shade of a Bradford Pear tree and give a collective sigh of contentment.

OK, so in an ideal world my family would share quaint British colloquialisms and Starbucks baristas would be contented workers. The following is what really happened.

Mom: Wanna get a free coffee at Starbucks?

Dad: Sure.

Kelsey: OK.

Dad: Should I drive?

Mom: No, I’m driving my car.

The Kusterers head down a busy highway, and pull into the nearest Starbucks. They approach the counter, excited to take the Starbucks challenge!

Dad: We’d like to take the challenge!

Disgruntled Barista (DB): The what?

Dad: The Starbucks challenge…to taste a free sample of the new instant coffee.

DB: Oh. That was more for the morning. We had a big rush then. We’ve run out of coffee. But it’ll take me a few minutes to prepare it.

Kusterers: uhhh, ok.

We sat down and began to ponder the conundrum presented by the DB. First we wondered–how could they run out of coffee? There’s an entire display of instant coffee by the counter. And second–how come instant coffee comes with a lot of preparation time? Isn’t it, well, instant? Can’t you just give us hot water and a coffee packet? Anyone? Bueller?

10-15 minutes later…

Dad: What happened to our coffee?

DB: If you haven’t noticed, we’ve had a long line of customers.

Dad: So, are you saying that I’m not an important customer?

Long story short, after several minutes of deliberating and a cocked eyebrow from my dad, we got our free coffees. Which actually tasted pretty good, but unfortunately had the bitter aftertaste of a run-in with the “well-oiled” java machine that is Starbucks.

Don’t feed the animals

A couple weekends a month I work at a museum in one of their special exhibits. I enjoy meeting all kinds of people, but I realized there are a few things that get on my nerves about working with the public. So let’s have a moment of silence for….

1. Kids on leashes: Seriously? I’ve never understood the child on a leash deal. Is your child really that awful that you have to keep them on a cord? And the best part is, a lot of these leashes are attached to a cute little backpack the kid wears. As if that makes it any better. I saw two teathered children in one weekend, both with little stuffed monkey backpacks (it actually looks more like a harness) that had a leash attached to it.

When I was a kid and my brother or I misbehaved we just got the look of death from our dad and that was enough to keep us in line. I miss the good ol’ days…

2. PDA: Ok, so PDA is about as tacky as spitting your gum on the sidewalk in the best of circumstances.  Honestly, do you have to do it in a museum? Gross.

3. Captain Obvious: Remember how your teacher in 5th grade always said, “There are no dumb questions?” Well maybe he/she was right, but there are some irritating questions.

So here’s a fun recap of some of the best questions I get asked on a regular basis while working in the butterfly room. “Will the butterflies land on me?” [Yes, especially if you ask annoying questions]. “Do tarantulas bite?” [Duh]. “Is a sloth like a monkey?” [Not at all]. And the best question ever: “What do you call the line between the meadow and the trees? I’ve been trying to find the answer for weeks, but no one seems to know.” [*sigh*]

4. The directionally challenged: So sometimes people ask me for directions to places downtown, which is understandable since I wear a name tag and it’s my job to be informative. The problem is, I don’t live downtown so sometimes I feel  just about as directionally clueless as the out-of-towners. So please, ask the front desk. They have maps.

5. Little kids: I’m done gripping because I really do love my job. It’s often the little kids who remind me not to get frustrated. Just last weekend I was having a bad hair day (thanks to N.C.’s relentless humidity) and this little boy said, “I like your hair!” So thanks little kids for reminding me to lighten up and have a little patience.