If you’re like me, you appreciate some things hipsters like, but you’re not ready to take the leap to smoking clove cigarettes and shopping exclusively at thrift shops. I like my lungs just as they are, and I only have one pair of skinny jeans—which currently don’t fit. Darn you Ghirardelli and your deceptive dark chocolate bars! I’ve learned “dark chocolate” doesn’t equate to “healthy.” It’s still better to eat a banana.

To remedy this hipster issue, I’ve developed a foolproof method to becoming “Hipster Lite.”

“Is that like eating Dannon Lite and Fit or opting for Diet Coke versus regular, but still feeling like you’re getting enough probiotics and caffeine?” you ask. Why yes it is!

By using my “Hipster Lite” method you can appreciate obscure bands, knitting lanyards, making your own terrariums, starting your own compost pile, and occasionally making judgmental remarks about less cool people who don’t know who Tilda Swinton is or have never listened to an entire Arcade Fire album. All of this and more can be yours without having to become a vegan or alienating all your “normal” friends with an overly condescending attitude.

Without further ado, I give you Hipster Lite 101:

1. Make a music list: Since I don’t own any vinyl and only make it to School Kids Records on a quarterly basis I found making music lists to be helpful. I can still keep up with all the formerly underground bands, and I don’t have to go out and buy a record player which I’d be likely to use as a giant coaster. I usually make my lists based on WKNC 88.1’s morning playlist or the Broken Bells radio on Pandora.
2. Shop at Trader Joes: Have you always wanted to try roasted seaweed and mochi ice cream, but don’t have $30 to spend on two non-essentials? Head on over to TJ’s! All your friends will think you’re awesome for eating kelp when it’s not in a sushi roll. Green is cool.
3. Make your own jewelry: It’s actually not that hard and when you make your own jewelry you get free reign to call yourself “crafty.” Some of you may be thinking, “the only jewelry I can make is out of macaroni.” Never fear—I’m sure hipsters will think that’s “tots cool.” Plus you can eat your necklace if you get tired of it.
4. Do things ironically: Also not hard. Whatever you may think is cool just do the opposite. Normally wearing a scarf in summer would be considered ridiculous. Not so in hipster-land. Wearing a scarf in summer is ironic—it’s cool because it makes no sense. You can wear a scarf anytime. In fact, try and wear the same scarf all the time. With every outfit. Oh and tell people you bought it at an open-air market in Panama. Also cool.
5. Drink PBR: This one’s pretty self-explanatory. It doesn’t have to taste good, it’s just about being cool.

1. Because the library’s always a good place to pick up girls…

Tears for Fears: I love this video because it’s so incredibly 80s. There are all kinds of androgynous looking people and the stereotypical socially awkward lead singer pursuing an equally awkward woman with oversized specs. Although, I’d be looking around uncomfortably, too, if I was a librarian and some random guy started singing to me at the check-out desk. And, like the typical 80s music video director, whoever filmed this movie inserted a bunch of things that don’t belong in a library at all–like gas masks, a chimp, and Ghostbuster-esk/anti-gravity special effects. I mean, why not?

2. Nature+animation=something deep

Talk Talk: This is a great song, but I have no idea what the music video means. For some reason it seems like every 80s director thought a trench coat would make the lead singers look edgy. I think it just makes this guy look like a creep. Especially since he’s just standing around an empty zoo by himself, glaring and generally looking moody. I think what really happened was their budget ran out and by inserting nature shots they felt like somehow the video would have more meaning.

3. So that’s where I left my May Pole!

Men Without Hats: I’m really not sure what’s going on here. Fun song, but frolicking through meadows does not a good music video make. And I’ve danced around a May Pole before (when I was 5, ok? Apparently it’s a partially repressed memory, because I can’t remember why I was dancing around it) and they aren’t as exciting as this video makes them out to be. It’s a pole. With ribbon attached to it. Enough said.

Magical Mullet

Just about the only thing more wonderful in this video   than Alex Ebert’s white suit is his mullet–beard combo. It’s not often someone can pull of a mullet that insights hipsters everywhere to grow one of their own. I’m sure there’s an aspiring 15 year-old musician out in Small Town, U.S. trying desperately the get the beard part going of his own mullet–beard combo. But do take your mother’s advice for now, Lil Bobby, you won’t get a girlfriend anytime soon that way. You have to be established before you can start experimenting with your hair. Take the next hair explanation for example…

Stuck-my-finger-in-a-socket-and-added-gel Hair

Jack White. Enough said.

Salty Sea Dog Hair

I like to imagine Jack Penate appearing on stage saying something like, “Oh buggah, it seems I’ve crashed me boat onto the rocky shores of Britain! Fortunately, I have emerged unscathed with this wonderfully sea-tossled updo and a kind fellow sailor lent me his shirt and gold chain to boot! What say ye, ladies?” Commence with the swooning.