Hipster lite—all the cool with half the calories!

September 9, 2011 at 1:15 am Leave a comment

If you’re like me, you appreciate some things hipsters like, but you’re not ready to take the leap to smoking clove cigarettes and shopping exclusively at thrift shops. I like my lungs just as they are, and I only have one pair of skinny jeans—which currently don’t fit. Darn you Ghirardelli and your deceptive dark chocolate bars! I’ve learned “dark chocolate” doesn’t equate to “healthy.” It’s still better to eat a banana.

To remedy this hipster issue, I’ve developed a foolproof method to becoming “Hipster Lite.”

“Is that like eating Dannon Lite and Fit or opting for Diet Coke versus regular, but still feeling like you’re getting enough probiotics and caffeine?” you ask. Why yes it is!

By using my “Hipster Lite” method you can appreciate obscure bands, knitting lanyards, making your own terrariums, starting your own compost pile, and occasionally making judgmental remarks about less cool people who don’t know who Tilda Swinton is or have never listened to an entire Arcade Fire album. All of this and more can be yours without having to become a vegan or alienating all your “normal” friends with an overly condescending attitude.

Without further ado, I give you Hipster Lite 101:

  1. Make a music list: Since I don’t own any vinyl and only make it to School Kids Records on a quarterly basis I found making music lists to be helpful. I can still keep up with all the formerly underground bands, and I don’t have to go out and buy a record player which I’d be likely to use as a giant coaster. I usually make my lists based on WKNC 88.1’s morning playlist or the Broken Bells radio on Pandora.
  2. Shop at Trader Joes: Have you always wanted to try roasted seaweed and mochi ice cream, but don’t have $30 to spend on two non-essentials? Head on over to TJ’s! All your friends will think you’re awesome for eating kelp when it’s not in a sushi roll. Green is cool.
  3. Make your own jewelry: It’s actually not that hard and when you make your own jewelry you get free reign to call yourself “crafty.” Some of you may be thinking, “the only jewelry I can make is out of macaroni.” Never fear—I’m sure hipsters will think that’s “tots cool.” Plus you can eat your necklace if you get tired of it.
  4. Do things ironically: Also not hard. Whatever you may think is cool just do the opposite. Normally wearing a scarf in summer would be considered ridiculous. Not so in hipster-land. Wearing a scarf in summer is ironic—it’s cool because it makes no sense. You can wear a scarf anytime. In fact, try and wear the same scarf all the time. With every outfit. Oh and tell people you bought it at an open-air market in Panama. Also cool.
  5. Drink PBR: This one’s pretty self-explanatory. It doesn’t have to taste good, it’s just about being cool.

Entry filed under: Five is Jive, Pop Culture.

Insert nature footage and trench coat here Dear ____, your mind is a box of cats

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